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10 Worst Things I Ate in 2005
Posted by extramsg on Friday, January 20, 2006 @ 19:52:01 PST
Contributed by extramsg
Alameda's "Medium Rare" Burger
Note: Just back from a weeklong food trip to the Bay Area, I'm desperately falling behind on reports. I still have two-thirds of my Mexico reports left, my trip to Texas, reports on pizza, hot chocolate, burgers, and more just sitting in notes form waiting to be finished. I'll be making the effort to catch up in the month of February so that once my trip to Thailand in March comes along I won't get even farther behind.
While I was able to quickly rattle off 25 of my favorite food things from 2005, it took some effort to recall the worst of last year. It may have been a case of repressed memories. But once I broke through and started remembering, the flood gates opened and traumatic dining experiences poured out.
I won't bother with the obvious such as the few meals I had from national fast food chains, or the pizza I had at the Rose Festival, or the occasional rotten cooking at a friend's or family member's (plus, that'd just be cruel). Below are 10 of the worst, sometimes more disappointing than plain bad, but bad nonetheless.
10 - Burger (Alameda Brewhouse, Portland, OR): On a normal day, their burger may be fine. I haven't been back to test that theory. First it came out looking great and then I took a bite. Oddly mushy -- and cold inside. I cut it open (taking the picture leading off this report) and realized it wasn't medium-rare as I had requested, but raw. So I sent it back. 15 minutes or more later, after my wife was done with her meal, my burger returned. I figured maybe they had put things right and made me a new burger. Nope. They had regrilled it and put it on a new bun. So I bit in and it was cooked properly, maybe a little overcooked, but this time, instead of mushy meat, I discovered eggshell and carbon (pictured above) between the two cuts of the patty. And no, they did not comp anything.
9 - Pay de Petalos de Rosa (Los Girasoles, Mexico City, Mexico): In a generally mediocre meal, this dish still burns in my mind as being particularly lousy. At least it looked pretty. The nearly solid pie filling tasted of nothing but sugar. Even the garnishes of rose and strawberries were flavorless, as was the sauce. It was as if someone had replaced the dessert with a wax facsimile.
8 - New Seasons Breads (Portland Farmers Market, Portland, OR): Unfortunately, to know that a thing is good, you must have something bad to compare it to. At 2005's Summer Loaf, like 2004's, New Seasons provided that yang to Pearl Bakery's yin. Frankly, the breads were amateurish, both in technique and taste. Crusts barely existed, cracking and flaking, having a texture worse than many commercial bagged breads, and certainly worse than even the "artisan" breads at Safeway. Luckily, Jesse Dobson just took over for New Seasons and I've heard he's already turning around their breads. Perhaps next year they'll be on the "best of" list.
7 - Caesar Salad (Papa Haydn, Portland, OR): Papa Haydn's salad was one of those you could tell was going to be disappointing just from looking at it. Slices of baguette, not even brown from proper toasting, substituted for croutons. You'd have to be the love child of Mick Jagger and Carly Simon to chomp on these oversized "croutons". Joining the baguettes around the outside of the plate were tomato wedges. Tomatoes in a Caesar. Somewhat untraditional, sure, but perhaps they would add something. Nope. Detracted, if anything. Then in the middle: warm grilled chicken breast. You could tell the chicken was warm because the shavings of parmesan were melting. And guess what? The romaine underneath was melting -- or, rather, wilting -- too. The salad was a disaster. And to make matters worse, it's way overpriced at $12.
6 - BBQ (Bones and Brew, Portland, OR): I thought 2004's festival offerings were bad. Well, this 2005's was even worse. Just four BBQ vendors, none of which were even remotely good. My Brothers, which was at the festival last year, made some of the driest brisket you can imagine. Place a 3 inch by 3 inch cube of their brisket in a gallon of water, return in 5 minutes, and the water will have disappeared. Smoke N Man and Wildcard both had pretty looking ribs, but the texture was like your grandmother's pork chop, still afeared of worms so she burns it in the fryin' pan. Wildcard also made some terrible brisket. It was cut with the grain which only emphasized how dry and tough it was. Sellwood's (same as Sellwood Public House) brisket was stringy and flavorless. I think they had the same grandma making them potroast as a kid. Ribs were much like Man's and Wildcard's, but without the pleasant bark.
5 - Truffles (See's Candies, Portland, OR): The term "candy" applies very appropriately to even their truffles. My throat was literally burning from the excess sugar after being subjected to the strawberry cream truffle. As a Fanta strawberry soda is to a fresh strawberry smoothie, See's truffles are to real truffles. A Jolly Rancher may be less cloying. The term "dark" for their dark chocolate truffle is laughable. The sugar-to-cacao ratio must be enormous; the same throat-burning sensation resulted from even these. Honestly, if you're on a budget but want to get your significant other some truffles for Valentine's, you'd be much better off with a package of Ferrer Roche or those Lindt "truffles" you can find at most grocery stores. The quality of the chocolate would be better.
4 - Pad Thai (Madam Mam's, Austin, TX): Giant portions and attractive college students must keep this place full. It's certainly not the food. Worst of all was the pad thai: gooey, ketchupy, garnished with only a side of wilting bean sprouts. I've had better Thai food at mall food courts.
3 - Carnitas Tacos (La Sirenita, Portland, OR): Is it possible for pork to be gamey? Because La Sirenita's carnitas sure are. Maybe it's aged pork. Seriously, I question whether this stuff is fit for a dog's consumption. People often claim that this divish taqueria is a great value. Perhaps the dread-heads who line-up out the door think lack of cleanliness equals authentic. I've had some great meals at the scariest looking fondas in Mexico. But when the food is terrible and the everything is dirty, you start to wonder if the owners have a bit of pride at all. It can't just be that they don't know how to cook or that they're just focused on the eats. They just don't care a damn bit.
2 - Mi Vit, Duck Noodle Soup (Thien Hong, Portland, OR): What makes this soup so brown? I don't know, burnt wood broth perhaps? That's what it tastes like, at least. Bland otherwise and overall definitely not a pleasing flavor. They couldn't even get the duck right. All they had to do was simmer it until tender, but no, it was tough and chewy. The egg noodles had taken on the woody flavor of the broth and were overcooked and falling apart, making it impossible to eat with chopsticks. I'd much rather eat Top Ramen.
1 - Ribs (Papa's Soul Food Kitchen, Eugene, OR): Maybe the soul food is good, but the BBQ is terrible. Some of the worst I've ever had. Portions are giant and cheap, but I could get better all-you-can-eat ribs from Tony Roma's. The sausage was mediocre, the brisket was terrible, but the ribs, oh my word, they're horrendous. Sliced, then grilled, the connective tissues on the ribs hadn't been melted. Bending a rib, trying to tear the meat off the bone, shows all the rubbery sinews. If Wrigley's ever comes out with a pork-flavored gum, they need look no further than Papa's ribs.
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